The Real. The Raw. The Broken.

24 de Octubre, 2016

I said the real, the raw, did I not?

Here goes.

Today was awful.

Of course one must see the best in it, but since there’s plenty of bad, let’s just dive into reality.

I woke up for class.

But really, I didn’t. Because my fibromyalgia decided to act up today and say, “Haha psyche you wanted to wake up? Well here, have a taste of not being able to get out of bed.” This has happened enough in the past that I understand it now. I have gone into the negatives with my spoons (#spoontheory) and my body is making me wait for it to catch up.

So I slept until noon.

Something to know about me: I hate sleeping in. The morning is the best time to get things done and if I don’t hit my day off with my morning, my day is gone. End of story.

When I was able to physically get out of bed, I’m not sure of why I truly tried because I had already missed my only class for the day, besides the fact that I was feeling so incredibly antisocial and in order to get food, I needed to go see lots of people.


Well, I did that #yay. But I didn’t do it in Spanish #boo (meal time is Spanish practice time). When I don’t do that with at least some Spanish, I automatically chastise myself and then, well, we all know that road.

Then back to attempt growing a beard in my(dorm-room-turned-) hermit hole (because what else do people do in hermit holes). Did you know that attempting to grow a beard actually consists of not-being-able-to-study-so-instead-watching-manga? Fascinating, I know. ‘Attempt to grow a beard’ failed (thank goodness). However, the ‘not-being-able-to-study-so-instead-watching-manga’ part was quite successful.

And accurately describes my entire afternoon of wasted time… Leaving me feeling even more sorry for myself and upset with myself and full of more chastising for myself. If chastising a thing.

Alas, the same scenario for lunch was repeated for supper except add to that wonderful platter of food some salt because I had an emotional breakdown. Of course, what else would my body want for me after it’s had me miss my class, miss my Spanish practice sessions, and miss my studying for the five exams I have this week? Oh right, an emotional breakdown to make everyone at the table look at you and constantly ask you if you’re alright. What, do you say, “OF COURSE NOT NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.” No, no, you be very nice and smile and laugh awkwardly and hide your face and say you’ll be okay and to just give you a minute. Not that they’ll do that because there are at least twelve eyes staring you down for that entire minute.

Something else to know about me: I don’t cry in public. I haven’t tried but I do know it’s possible to have wet eyes and to hold the tears in. I had been staring off at a certain point where the wall met the roof (so my gaze was upward the hold the tears in) and SOMEHOW someone noticed that. No one has ever noticed that before and I don’t know whether to be surprised that someone noticed or embarrassed. Of course I’m not embarrassed but sometimes I wish I could carry my beard-growing hermit hole with me everywhere.

Well, back to my hobbit hole after all to watch some more manga until Coro (choir). Choir was fine. SOMETHING WENT SMOOTHLY!!! wHAAAAAH!

Then back to the dorm to WOAH GET THIS—STUDY!! With friends. Because it’s always better with friends. Always. Not that the studying is any easier, but many brains make light translations. *insert happy face here*

Oh and don’t forget to be fearless when it comes to things 1/1000th of your size. Like cockroaches. Because even the giant one’s squish under your shoe like… less than a crunchy leaf. And then you’re hailed as a hero for the rest of the evening.

Of course, my good fortune couldn’t last too long. And, sure enough, after leaving the happy study session, what happens but when I take out my retainer my hand suddenly decides it actually isn’t made of skin and bone but instead butter and drops my wonderful retainer to the floor where it cracks. NOT into a million pieces (THANK YOU JESUS).

A wonderful ending to a wonderful day. I can still wear it, and I’ll make it work until I can procure a refurbished tooth-frame.

Moral of the story?

Manga has some incredibly beautiful, deep, spiritual applications that simply need a bad day to be brought out.

Talk with Jesus always, He can use anything to point you on the right path.


P.S. It WAS hard for me to post this because it is so real and so raw. But it’s the truth, and I promised to share the truth with you, no matter how ugly or beautiful. Also, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’m sure you’ve inferred from the above text that it’s been a rough last week. It has. But so much beauty can come out of strife! It’s the rain from the storm that makes the grass grow.


One thought on “The Real. The Raw. The Broken.

Add yours

  1. Wow, Lindsey. Well, this just shows that I clearly know NOTHING about what you’re going through! I’m so proud of you for being able to share a struggle that you’ve been through. It seems so much more natural to want to keep it all inside and just be there for other people, instead of needing anyone yourself. I’m so sorry that your day was bad, but God always makes up for it by giving you tons of other amazing days! Thank you for sharing, love, this has helped me through a bad day. Will be praying!


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